(CNN) – Officials say a mother, who is accused of murdering her 6-year-old son, blogged about her son’s disability before the crime took place.
According to an archived blog by Jillian McCabe in 2011 and 2012, 6-year-old London had severe autism.
In that blog, she chronicled his life and when she realized something wasn’t right.
He didn’t react when he heard his name, didn’t show affection or interact with others.
After he was diagnosed with autism, McCabe’s husband was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.
“I’m trying to hold it together,” Jillian said in a YouTube video that was posted on her Facebook page, but has since been taken down. “It’s really hard. I’m losing it a lot.”
On Monday evening, authorities say McCable walked onto the Yaquina Bay Bridge while carrying her son and threw him into the frigid water.
“I just threw my son over the Yaquina Bay Bridge,” Jillian McCabe told a 911 dispatcher, according to a probable cause affidavit.
On Tuesday, McCabe was charged with murder and manslaughter and did not enter a plea.
A troubled mother?
In the YouTube video, Jillian McCabe said she thought about pulling a “Thelma and Louise,” referring to the movie about two women who drive off a cliff to escape their problems.
Her brother-in-law, Andrew McCabe, told NBC News that she had been “hearing voices.”
He says that a doctor was supposed to adjust her medication on Tuesday, just one day after London was killed.
“We learned just yesterday that Monday morning, Jillian expressed to her counselor that she was hearing voices again,” Andrew McCabe told NBC. “The counselor suggested that her medication needed adjusting and set an appointment with a doctor, for the next day.”
He said that Jillian McCabe sought but did not get services that she needed, and she tried to kill herself numerous times.
CNN cannot independently confirm what the family has told NBC.
‘Mr. Doom & Mrs. Doom’
In her blog, posts give a glimpse into what it was like to raise London.
An October 25, 2011, post called “Mr. Doom & Mrs. Doom” reads: “Mr. Doom and I are parents of a non-verbal child with severe Autism who has seizures. We live, breathe and see a world that is different than yours. The word ‘Autism’ is sure to be a powerful repellant to any of your party guests; all of our conversations will surely be awkward ones and will include things like sensory tools, therapy sessions and weighted blankets.”
Another post says: “I think the parents of Autistic children often stick together: Matt and I isolate ourselves a lot and stick together. We can’t really explain accurately to others our experiences. I think the worst thing that Matt and I are going through as parents is the comparison to other children in our family and in our lives. We can’t help but to compare London and all it does is tear us up inside, but it is like something we cannot control.”
“Family gatherings are hard,” she wrote. “It is sad when the other children are running and playing together or when they are being held and engaged by other adults; London just sits alone in his own world. Christmas is particularly heart breaking because he doesn’t understand that you need to open a present to find a treasure inside, nor does he understand the treasure. It’s hard to watch other children rip open their presents excitedly while London sits near his still wrapped gift.
“We feel awkward because London is acting awkward and everyone else in the room senses the awkwardness. We in turn feel bad for creating a scene or ruining someone else’s time. Even worse, we feel broken because London isn’t even aware that it is Christmas. We can only wonder if he will ever appreciate a present or how many years will pass before he does.”
The crime has sparked strong emotions from people across the country, especially from parents of disabled children.
“His name was London McCabe and he deserved better than to be murdered by (being) thrown off a bridge,” Sharon McDaid tweeted.
“Killing your child is not a breakdown, it’s murder, many parents have breakdowns & never resort to murder,” Kimberly Faith posted.
A nonprofit national group whose members have autism, the Autistic Self Advocacy Network, urged “vigorous prosecution” in McCabe’s case, according to a statement. “London, and not his mother, is the victim of a terrible crime,” the statement read.
President Ari Ne’eman told CNN that all too often the killing of children with disabilities is blamed on stress that caregivers are experiencing. Media and others should be careful, he said, about framing disabled children as a burden.